~kaMiKaze ~ IrOny ~

 Natsume yuujinchou episode 8

This episode is one of the most touching episode I ever laid my eyes on. The story is about a spirit and a human guy who can see spirit. The spirit is originally a firefly granted to become a spirit (or lady) of a pond. Being able to see spirits the human is an outcast, alone with no friends. He hates all the spirits whom, he felt, made his life miserable. With that circumstance, he met her, the lady spirit lingering in the pond. Soon after, they became friends and eventually fell in love with each other. Then one day… the guy couldn’t see spirits anymore. No matter how much they tried and they want, their worlds just can’t connect anymore… The guy felt all alone again. He came to the pond almost everyday wishing that his beloved be seen again, each time, she will stand or sit beside him never leaving his side.  Years passed, the human fell in love another girl and plans to get married. He promised to never come back to the pond after his wedding, leaving everything but his memories. The spirit felt sad yet happy because he will not be alone anymore. She turned into a firefly which she can only do once cause she is fading from her spirit form. She just want to say goodbye for the last time to someone dear to her.

And you know.. This is the sad part: fireflies can only live one night. Fireflies exist only for one night and fade away into death when the sun started to shine. In other words, she decided let go of herself and him. For both their happiness and peace… It was such a beautiful goodbye…

In the end, there was the thought of how much we love and how much we’ve lost. But then, sometimes, we can’t do anything about it right? Things has to go in a direction we can never be certain of. Yet, even though we can’t see them anymore, can’t feel them anymore, can’t hold them anymore, can’t have them anymore, or can’t laugh with them anymore…even though they disappear in our lives… Memories never disappear.. Our memories remain with us..

We can lose people special to us.. our love ones… our friends, our family… but they still exist suspended somewhere in time…  within our hearts…

Seeing this episode, I realized something.. that somehow… I need to strive for my self, for my family, my friends and everyone else who are given a chance to live. I need to assure every one, including my soul, that I will never be a victim of myself, in other words, I ought not to be a villain. When everything that surrounds me seems to go wrong, I will remain, striving for righteousness for everyone. I may win or lose but I will do my best to be neither a victim nor a villain. We all live in this violent world with a worst kind of retribution but its just the half of the face, what’s in other half is a kind of world we dream in, we laugh in, we play in, we felt enlighten, we felt clean and simply loved, this is the part of the world where each child is enjoying, a part of world where you once felt secured as a child. We can’t change the fact of how taint the other half is but what we can certainly do is look forward for another day with the sense that whatever kind of demon hunting us, we choose to never give in. What ever may come, with all the force of violence that could even rip us apart, I have high hopes for people. That we may always endure and seize each moment to be happy even how little we have and what’s left. This is humanity, this is the beautiful essence of a human.

Gandhi said “I object the violence, because when it appears to do good, the good is only temporary, the evil it does is permanent”

=)

I was browsing my past mails when I saw your mails. I can’t help but laugh sa mga pinapadala mo sakin na messages. And felt sad afterwards. Once, minura mo pa nga ako sa mail di ba? Telling me never do such thing again.. I laugh at you saying no big deal, you told me you cried and I said sorry. You tried to console me when I told you that college life is hard.. Nasa manila pa ako nun di ba, you tried to keep our friendship, tried to keep in touch. Pero… asan na un? then, along the way, our connection stopped. Ano ba ang nangyari? Your last two messages were like last strings of our friendship, fading away slowly. (Dec. 2004): “kainis ka naman, kinakalimutan mo na ako” (Jan. 2005): “di na nagpapramdam, nagtatampo na ako, ganyanan…” ano ba nangyari? Di ko na alam ang nangyari, ikaw alam mo ba? We kept in touch nung ala ka pang cellphone pero nung wala na… wala na rin… You told me dati, marami kang ikikwento sa buhay mo, mga nangyari, sa mga naging boyfriends mo… after ilang years, asan na yung kwento mo? Asan na ang kwento ko? Naglaho narin pala… Di ba once nagkita tayo pero bakit ganun, parang hindi man lang tayo magkakilala, I was waiting for your stories, maybe I’m still am kaso, huli na di ba?  We were like strangers na, and you even look relieved as you left the place, or was it i? Both of us?  Was it my fault? Kung ako un, sorry… I really am. Have I rejected our friendship, like a plant left waterless and dying? Nagsawa ka din pala sa isang taong tulad ko. And I’ve already changed myself, kaso huli na rin noh? Our string of friendship is severed. And sadly everything is wasted. Have I wasted your time?

It feels like where walking away in opposite direction. I looked back wondering if you also tried to look back. Tama nga naman, people in our lives never leave, they just change their roles. We choose our roles only that sometimes, we regret it. I was your close friend but now I’m a stranger as you are in my present life.

 I often ask myself, where did things go wrong? I am blaming myself. For my stupidity, for my selfishness that I didn’t notice something important has left me. Torn into pieces. Time rob the pieces of everything, it can never whole again right? Nothing left but letting things go.. Moving on with every step we make. But before that, I just wanted to say, somewhere in time, I can still see our picture together, smiling & comfortable with each others company, telling lots of joke and stories. Yun nalang ang naiwan sakin & might as well keep it. Salamat po talaga. And sorry for being a loser-friend. I know you already find new good friends better than me, so always take care. A kid in me already gave you a space in my heart. You were never a best friend but you have been a treasured friend. And that’s one great treasure I lost, ngayon ko lang narealize. And this is they way it ends.

God bless you

Even though hindi mo mabasa ang letter na toh, ok lang, this will stay as my letter to you.

search of my beloved name online:

1. warcraft top 10 player (i dont use my real name!)

2. a man who is trying to find a girlfriend/wife online (geez!)

3. a guy who is a gay from malaysia trying tio find a boyfriend (double jeez! you could have other names! *bein bad*)

4. a part of a “Reyes family” (darn! I’m not a Reyes..)

5. appears in an article in new york times, about a man who died, i don’t know if its a name.. (why in a “death” article?! =( )

6. an msn name (is it mine? i dont openly use my name & haven’t use msn yet…)

7. a certain “Ersean Furner” 23 year old from brisbane, australia (im not going there! argg)

8. june 2007 board passer list (thats more like it! its me!! =D)

9. others are sentences (with ‘ersean’ in it) that i can’t read. other language i guess

how my fave zyrein name??

1. other than some people (from the phlippines also) who is using the “zyrein” as username (emailed this person, trying to win the ownership..)

2. a guy in myspace (from texas, has a beard… and old.. and fat and why does it have to be a guy?! *argghhh, im bein bad*)

3. a gamer but inactively using the username account in a gaming site (hmm..not me)

4. another gamer who wanted to win Setanta outfit for his character (whats that?!)

5. an indian name in an indian directory (why is it listed?!)

6. a black cousin of a baby (another male for this name)

7. a deviant art name for a fifth planet (thats fine)

8. someone who posted a comment at pokerclips (di ako un, never knew the site)

9. *shockingly* a character in a book entitled Love Lesson (the character zyrein is a male, could you believe that?! is it a masculine name?! i don’t get it, it sounds feminine to me….. (>_

I often thought of how simple it is to carry a torch in a dark night. And somehow I realized that it’s dangerous. Yah, because some creatures that stay hidden in darkness sees you clearly. Can ambush you anytime. Can strike from any direction. Just a simple realization to ponder on. Though maybe thats the big difference when you carry the torch, that person has to be brave and ready to be wounded, somehow… Maybe fall on his/her knees many times, be ridiculed and shoved over a cliff, but this kind of traveler and a passerby is just wholly different, maybe what keeps that person going, the driving force of stepping their foot one at a time is for something that no amount of darkness can reach and ever be ruined or extinguised.

For those travelers that already arrived, my salute! It was never easy right? This is one of the greatest thing I ever realized in my whole life. Hope theres more of you in this crazy world. Just hoping… ;D

The quickest way to downfall is giving up the right, but why would you give up if you don’t want to fail? but if it’s so hard to hold on, then you are given a choice to let go and yet when you let go you got nowhere to hold unto, nothing at all. It’s crazy, like everyone is telling you that its all right but deep inside you, you know it’s not. Certain differences and sadness. Pain and conflicts. This is the world where every wrong things are made into right with all selfishness and greed. But beyond the selfishness and greed, there is some point existing as how freedom is given by God, how to use it and how to abuse it. That is the very reason why things are changing. It’s my world, our world. And we have nowhere elese to go when things are just too tiring. I hope to fight, I still believe, God help me coz I don’t know until when and where. Downfall might be inevitable but season of light is still possible.

given another shot at life,

I would seize every minute…..

look at it

feel it

and really see it …

live it …

and never give it to darkness

only to goodness and God

Angel for you